My Testimony!

Greetings to all our friends! I realize that it has been a while since we have been in communication with some of you to the point that you may have thought we “fell off the face of the earth.” Well, it’s not true, we are still here, alive and well, but have been going through a lot in the last year. So much in fact, that we decided the best way to update you on all that God has been doing in our lives was through a letter. As I (Tim) sit down to write this I have many mixed emotions that flood into my mind as I think back over this past year. God has certainly taken me on quite the journey!! Most of this story is my personal one, as most of what has been going on involves me specifically. But, since I now have a family, it has impacted and affected them as well. Although we are currently in a place of much joy and excitement for what God has for us in the future, most of what I am going to share with you involves a lot of hurt, sorrow, heartache, and sin. Again, it’s hard for me to recount all of this and work through all the feelings that come with it, but it is necessary to tell my story and for you, our loved and cherished friends, to understand.

Before you read this, I want to say that all of the glory MUST go to God! Clear out of your mind any previous notions of who Tim St. Clair II was and whatever view you had on my life and know that from my heart, this is my story. While some of this may come as a shock to you, I want you to know the depths of what has happened in my life so that we can all rejoice together in the work of Christ.

This then, is my story:

Most of you know my background and upbringing. My parents were part of Life Action Ministries and I grew up, as the oldest of six children, on the road ten months out of every year traveling across the country and ministering in thousands of churches. Through high school I worked in the children’s clubs, teaching stories, leading songs, and sharing Christ with them. After high school, I raised support and traveled as a singer on the team for two years. After that I headed off to Bible college where I studied music and Bible and participated in numerous student activities and was a part of a traveling singing/drama team each year. Between my Junior and Senior year, I interned at a church in Holland, MI as a music “pastor” and led in worship, preached a couple times, and helped out in the ministry there. After graduating from college, I married my one and only girlfriend Sarah Dawn Toledo, and we started out on this journey of life. We moved to Holland, MI where I took a job teaching at a small Christian school connected to our home church. I taught music classes (K-12th grade) led the many choirs, taught Bible classes, directed several musicals, pretty much oversaw the whole Fine Arts Program, and even did some janitorial work the first year and a half! During those four and half years, Sarah gave birth to Rennah Grace (born April 4, 2004) and then Nessa Faith (born September 28, 2007). I write all of this because at this point in my life, I look back at all the ministry that I was doing and involved in and I am struck with awe that through all of that I could have still missed something. From what God has revealed to me in recent months, I was able to go through all of that and still not “get it!”

The bottom line of all of this is that for years, I have struggled (sometimes off and on) with sexual sin. I became involved in internet pornography to the point that I could easily deceive myself into thinking that it was just something I would “struggle” with and would remain in private. Something to deal with on the side. After all, look at all that “I” was able to accomplish in ministry. I can’t say that my sin was such a driving force in my younger years, but the visual struggle was there at times, lingering in the back of my brain. But after I got married, and especially during Sarah’s first pregnancy, when she was extremely sick, those temptations began to creep back up and take control. And I yielded to them. It was this particular area of sin that eventually cost me my teaching job and the real reason why I had to resign back in January of 2007. My sin had been discovered and although I was “repentant” at the time, everyone felt like it was the best option for me and my family. I had hurt them and needed to step out of the ministry spotlight (which I craved) and focus on what was most important: my walk with Christ and my family.

The true reason for my resigning wasn’t really shared with anyone publicly, since my sin did not directly involve anyone but me. In fact, only the few people that we felt closest to knew because we would share with them in hopes of accountability and help through the process. And for several months, things seemed to be getting better. Sarah and I were communicating better, and although the job I had now taken (working for Panera Bread) caused finances to become very tight, we seemed to be working through things and starting to sort life out. But the truth was I was still holding on to sin issues and trying to “fight” it on my own without my wife knowing what was going on. I had deceived myself into thinking that it would all eventually pass, when in actuality, I was in bondage and needed help. We attended a “Basics of Marriage” counseling class together along with some friends in order to focus on our relationship and work through some healing and other issues that we both wanted to grow in. That time proved to be amazing and a very exciting time for us as we focused attention on our relationship and really felt God working and changing some things. Still, through all of this, I didn’t tell Sarah about my struggles and how I was still battling the fleshly desires that waged inside of me.

All this continued until one day in late November of last year (2008) when a good friend asked if he could come over and talk with us. Little did I know that he was coming over to confront me on my sin and some things that he had observed. So there, in front of my poor wife, who had no idea that I was still struggling and yielding to the lust of my eyes, he confronted me over my sin. I sat there and tried to deny and justify and defend. My wife was in shock and even tried to defend me until she realized that I had not been honest with her about my struggle. After a very long period of sitting there stubbornly resisting the Holy Spirit trying to break through in my heart, my friend finally asked a question that got to the heart of my issue. “When would you say was the high point in your walk with Christ? When would you say you were closest to Him and walking in obedience and close fellowship with Him?”

It was something I had asked myself before and sometimes struggled with, but never wanted to spend much time on or even go there. After all, look at “all that I had done” and all that I had been involved in throughout my life? But I honestly couldn’t come up with an answer so I made something up about that time being when I was in college or something lame like that. “That seems like a long time ago . . .” he said in a thoughtful way. And then it came, I knew what the problem was and fear rushed into my heart instantly followed by a million reasons and arguments as to why it couldn’t be true. But I knew the issue was a matter of my heart. I finally broke down and confessed to my friend and to my wife that it was all true. I sat and sobbed like a baby and just couldn’t stop. I felt completely ashamed, alone, and so much grief over my sin. I named my sins by name. My friend left, telling us that he would be praying for us.

I had been sitting on the floor during the whole ordeal and had been so tense that my back was killing me. I had to lay down. Amazingly enough, our girls were quiet and playing in their room which gave Sarah and I time to talk. I told her that I knew what I needed to do, but I was scared. To think that 29 years of my life had passed without me truly knowing Christ as my Savior! But when I looked back at years of ministry life and “serving” God, I realized that it was all motivated by my exterior surroundings and a desire to receive the applause of men! It wasn’t done out of a heart that truly followed Christ and had a vibrant relationship with Him. In fact, when all those external things were stripped away from me, the place I would run for “comfort” and “fulfillment” was my sin!

So I told Sarah what I needed . . . I needed Christ! We went back to our room and I cried out to God and asked Him to forgive me of my sins and to truly save me and become Lord and Master of my life! Our oldest daughter, Rennah, came back into the room saw me crying and praying. She began crying too, and I told God “before my wife and my precious daughter here, I ask You to save me and change me and take control of my life!” What a powerful moment that was for me! I will never forget that evening! And after I prayed, I was able to explain to Rennah what Daddy was crying about and what had just happened!

Later that night, I pulled out a new journal that my dad had given me just a few weeks earlier as we were talking with them and wrote in the front of it, “My Spiritual Journey Finally begins, November 19, 2008 PRAISE THE LORD!”

Since that day, I can tell you that I have never experienced the joy that I have now and the freedom that continues to come every time I have been able to share my story with friends and family. That, of course, was the hardest and scariest moments for me . . . When I had the opportunity to share my testimony with our family. I was completely overwhelmed by the love and support that they offered and the sweet fellowship that came when I was able to openly share all that God had been doing the past year. This Christmas was absolutely AMAZING and a wonderful time of renewal and rejoicing in the precious gift of God’s Son! My first Christmas as a true child of God!

I know that all of this news may come as a shock to many of you who never saw the battle. Those whom I was able to deceive as I was “doing” the Christian life. And I have to ask your forgiveness for being so deceitful to everyone that thought I had it “all together” and was a great spiritual guy. I have learned so much from all of this. I know now that following Christ is a daily, moment by moment, conscious decision for those of us that claim His salvation. I am learning that I need to be “ravenous for the Word” and desire to read, meditate, and apply it to EVERY area of my life!

God has directed me in several steps of obedience as I begin this genuine walk with Him to put up safeguards for my life. I continue to work on surrendering the things of this world that I once loved and give everything up for Him. I am so thankful right now for my wonderful and forgiving wife who has gone with me on this journey and has been so supportive and encouraging. God has so grown our relationship by leaps and bounds through all of this.

We are extremely thankful for the church we are currently a part of and active in. They have been incredibly supportive and encouraging to us through this whole process. We are excited to grow closer together and closer to Christ. It’s truly the dawning of a new year in the St. Clair household!

Although ministry has always been such a huge part of my life and something that I used to try to find security and confidence in, I can truly say now, for the first time ever, that if the only ministry I have in life from this point forward is the ministry to my wife and children, that is enough! And all I need for fulfillment. They are my ministry and the most important people in my life.

We have no idea what God has for our future, but for now, we are simply rejoicing in God’s work of salvation! Extremely thankful for the power of the cross and for finally breaking through my stubborn heart. I have to remind myself over and over that God’s timing is always perfect. And although this is not the way either of us ever pictured our lives being, we are so glad that God has finally stripped away all the exterior walls around my life and shown me my true self. I am so thankful for love, forgiveness, and blood of Jesus Christ.

Please forgive my hypocrisy over the years and for not being the true example of Christ that I should have been to you. I have many regrets from my past, but God continually shows me the need to press forward and live day by day now and be the light of Christ to everyone around me. This letter of testimony is my attempt to get my story out there to people I have known and it is my desire for everyone to know what God has done in my life so you can rejoice and continue to pray for us.

We love you all and would love any feedback you want to give after having read this letter. The best way to get in touch with us would be my e-mail address: timo.stclair@gmail.com

Thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy story. I hope that it was an encouragement to you and a testimony of God’s goodness! We truly serve an awesome and Almighty God! We love you all! Keep us in your prayers!

For His Service Alone,

Tim & Sarah St. Clair, Rennah, & Nessa